Why do fairy tales, particularly Disney stories, have the bad guy be the evil stepmother? Okay so it’s not all of them… but notably, Cinderella’s stepmother and Snow White’s stepmother (the Evil Queen). They are some first class baddies, no denying it. Why do stepmothers get such a bad rap? The way Disney puts it, stepmothers are hell-bent on destroying the hopes and dreams of any children not naturally related to them.
My stepdaughter, Madelyn, doesn’t seem to make the connection or care much. When we read Cinderella we sometimes call the stepmother the “bad lady” and the stepsisters we refer to as the “mean sisters”-- this is more for me than for Maddy, to whom I am her Julie, as if that is my title rather than my name. Maddy and I got acquainted two years ago at our church’s Easter Egg-stravaganza. Justin and I weren’t even dating yet but he brought her to the event and they hit my bounce house station first.
It took Maddy a good thirty seconds to decide I was about her most favorite person in the world, at least for that moment. She was just a little over three, blue eyed and chubby cheeked, and there was nothing cuter than the pair of them, Daddy and his little girl, to melt my heart completely. At the time I was once again a single mom of my own little blue-eyed monster, who hadn’t had the smoothest road when it came to stepparents. My son was a lot older, eight, when he met his now stepdad, but it was clear from the beginning that though he was prepared to love Justin as “the guy married to his mom”, he was not going to be as easy to transition as Maddy.
Life as a stepparent is hard and Justin definitely faced more challenges than I did, despite the lack of Disney step father villains. He and Isaiah are doing really well. Isaiah loves Justin and looks up to him, respects him, but it’s definitely a different dynamic and a tougher road to bond with an eight year old than a three year old. Luckily Isaiah is also at that stage when he’s craving male role models and drawing back a bit from “mommy” so Justin fits the bill in that respect quite nicely. I don’t worry as much about their relationship though-- they’re guys, and it seems like they communicate through sports and video games pretty well.
Throughout the past two years Maddy and I have made great strides. I love her so much and there is no difference in my mind and heart or my treatment of her that indicates we are not as close as if we had been able to be biologically related. Still, the “stepmother” stigma bugs me sometimes. I hate the idea and I worry that someday in the future I will hear those dreaded words-- you’re not my real mommy. Because of course, I’m not, nor do I have any delusions that I will ever be. There is a delicate balance between stepparents and biological ones, and it’s a balance I have no desire to upset. She has a mom, and she has a Julie. I just want there to be room in her heart and her world for me. Hopefully exposure to Disney movies won't be detrimental to that desire.
There is a temptation to be softer on her than I would on my “bio” kids, to court favor and make sure those horrible words never emerge from her cute little mouth. But to do that would be a reverse favoritism that would only damage, and I know that as well as the next person. There are words that “bio” kids are capable of spouting that are just as hurtful -- “I wish you weren’t my mom,” or “I hate you”-- that’s a great one-- or one of my personal favorites, which I just heard from my son last week-- “I’d rather go live in an orphanage.” That was classic and I can only imagine he got the term from a book-- kid reads a lot. I don’t even think there are such facilities anymore, at least not in the U.S. We have something that can be much worse called foster care-- I shudder to think of my sensitive, precocious boy in a foster care scenario. He didn’t realize what he was saying, obviously-- but words like that are only meant to hurt.
They do. Someday Maddy will figure it out too-- whether she draws parallels from the evil characters in her beloved fairy tales or just one day figures out that she can hurt me if she chooses. These days, at five and a half, she mostly goes the other direction-- wanting all my attention, wanting to do things with me as much as Daddy-- it’s a girl thing-- and accepting me as a parent figure without question. It may continue like that forever-- after all, she really doesn‘t remember life before I was in the picture.
I’m hopeful that we will always have a good relationship. She doesn’t love being told to make her bed and the occasional time outs I dish out when behavior warrants, but she’s not eating poisoned apples, being locked in towers or being forced into slave labor while the prince wonders where she is. Although when it comes to princes hanging around, that’s a whole other worry. One I hope we won’t have to face for years to come.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Baby Beats: Biological Inequality
It Begins:
Never watch birthing videos at 8 months pregnant. Just don’t do it. It’s scary and violent and you begin to fear greatly for the future of your lady parts. For me I also hate hospitals-- particularly the one I’m going to deliver at. They are filled with sick people, for one-- diseased and germy people around my nice new clean baby. Who will come out all covered in goo though... hmm.
There’s the other stuff too-- epidurals and IV’s and monitors… aye. It’s not looking good. The videos where people are giving birth naturally at home-- aye again. Not for me, either. Yuck. I have no idea where I’d really want to give birth, and at this moment the entire idea both disgusts and scares the hell out of me. It’s awkward and embarrassing, messy, there’s yelling and it’s just not very dignified. You lose all your sense of modesty.
And giving birth is just the end game of this awkward process. Sex-- the thing that got us all into this mess-- that's a whole other can of worms. It reminds me of a part of Lady Chatterly’s Lover, by D.H. Lawrence. Constance talks about the visuals of sex, how ridiculous it is to see and hear. She’s totally right. They reference it in the movie Dogma as well-- as a big celestial joke that God and the angels all have a good laugh over every time they see humans going at it-- it’s just that. Awkward and embarrassing, with rude sounds and things slapping and flapping around grotesquely.
But as that's what got us into this in the first place, it’s only fitting that another like act would get us out of it. And it doesn’t happen to men-- as with out social status and capital, women lost the equality lottery biologically, big time. Talk all you want about the miracle of birth and the things we get to experience that they never do, but the fact is that the burden isn't split fairly by biologically. We got screwed. It's a fact. I’d so much rather be a woman than a man, no question, but you have to admit we got the short end of the stick. We’re physically weaker and easier to overpower. The whole pregnancy thing is on us-- men have the power to pull a conceive and leave whenever they choose, and we’re stuck holding the bag.
Even in the Bible women like Hagar had to just take it from the men and if things didn’t go as planned. She had no recourse and she and her kid were left to die in the dessert by a supposed man of God. It’s a little frustrating. We’re the ones with The Scarlet Letter and good old Dimmesdale just sits by and watches without taking any responsibility in the matter. Sure, he gets it in the end courtesy of fate and poetic justice but if he had his way he would have just sit there forever and let Hester take the brunt of it for their joint crime.
I’m just saying. We all know about social capital-- where men get more appealing and better looking as they age and women tend to go down hill, along with their social capital. Single older women become “cougars” -- older women who prey on young men-- while men become George Clooney and Sean Connery. They're matched up against Catherine Zeta-Jones while the women get to be mom's and grandma's in movies even when they're still gorgeous-- Anette Benning does not get to play the love interest of Robert Pattinson.
And all the slang vernacular associated with female genitalia deals with weakness and cowardice (i.e. a “pussy”) whereas if you have balls you are quite brave and strong. Well, I have ovaries, thank you, and I’m saying it takes a lot more courage and strength to be a woman. We might get the short end of the stick but we stand up to it with more tenacity. I'd like to see men be responsible for perpetuating the species. They're just not built for it. So next time you want to give someone a compliment, tell them they've got ovaries of steel. Because yes, we do.
Never watch birthing videos at 8 months pregnant. Just don’t do it. It’s scary and violent and you begin to fear greatly for the future of your lady parts. For me I also hate hospitals-- particularly the one I’m going to deliver at. They are filled with sick people, for one-- diseased and germy people around my nice new clean baby. Who will come out all covered in goo though... hmm.
There’s the other stuff too-- epidurals and IV’s and monitors… aye. It’s not looking good. The videos where people are giving birth naturally at home-- aye again. Not for me, either. Yuck. I have no idea where I’d really want to give birth, and at this moment the entire idea both disgusts and scares the hell out of me. It’s awkward and embarrassing, messy, there’s yelling and it’s just not very dignified. You lose all your sense of modesty.
And giving birth is just the end game of this awkward process. Sex-- the thing that got us all into this mess-- that's a whole other can of worms. It reminds me of a part of Lady Chatterly’s Lover, by D.H. Lawrence. Constance talks about the visuals of sex, how ridiculous it is to see and hear. She’s totally right. They reference it in the movie Dogma as well-- as a big celestial joke that God and the angels all have a good laugh over every time they see humans going at it-- it’s just that. Awkward and embarrassing, with rude sounds and things slapping and flapping around grotesquely.
But as that's what got us into this in the first place, it’s only fitting that another like act would get us out of it. And it doesn’t happen to men-- as with out social status and capital, women lost the equality lottery biologically, big time. Talk all you want about the miracle of birth and the things we get to experience that they never do, but the fact is that the burden isn't split fairly by biologically. We got screwed. It's a fact. I’d so much rather be a woman than a man, no question, but you have to admit we got the short end of the stick. We’re physically weaker and easier to overpower. The whole pregnancy thing is on us-- men have the power to pull a conceive and leave whenever they choose, and we’re stuck holding the bag.
Even in the Bible women like Hagar had to just take it from the men and if things didn’t go as planned. She had no recourse and she and her kid were left to die in the dessert by a supposed man of God. It’s a little frustrating. We’re the ones with The Scarlet Letter and good old Dimmesdale just sits by and watches without taking any responsibility in the matter. Sure, he gets it in the end courtesy of fate and poetic justice but if he had his way he would have just sit there forever and let Hester take the brunt of it for their joint crime.
I’m just saying. We all know about social capital-- where men get more appealing and better looking as they age and women tend to go down hill, along with their social capital. Single older women become “cougars” -- older women who prey on young men-- while men become George Clooney and Sean Connery. They're matched up against Catherine Zeta-Jones while the women get to be mom's and grandma's in movies even when they're still gorgeous-- Anette Benning does not get to play the love interest of Robert Pattinson.
And all the slang vernacular associated with female genitalia deals with weakness and cowardice (i.e. a “pussy”) whereas if you have balls you are quite brave and strong. Well, I have ovaries, thank you, and I’m saying it takes a lot more courage and strength to be a woman. We might get the short end of the stick but we stand up to it with more tenacity. I'd like to see men be responsible for perpetuating the species. They're just not built for it. So next time you want to give someone a compliment, tell them they've got ovaries of steel. Because yes, we do.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Not abandoned... I promise!
I know I promised to update more and that I was back to blogging for good... and I am. I have good reason for being MIA lately... I'm writing! Not that this online column isn't writing-- it is-- but I've been frantically working on my novel and my brain needs rest at the end of the day. Apparently it's true that in the third trimester of pregnancy, your brain cells actually lose mass. Don't worry, I'll gain it back after the baby is born. For now, though, my focus is on making the babies-- the one currently under construction in my belly, and my baby novel. The good news is I'm nearly halfway done with the novel, and the baby... well, he's about seven weeks away from joining us all in the real world. Until then, I feel like this blog is going to take a backseat. A temporary hiatus. A sabbatical, if you will.
But I will be back, make no mistake about that. I have an upcoming series in the works, on the way-- going to try to hone my topics a little, instead of being all over the place, and do a four part blog series on being a mom and a writer simultaneously. So keep an eye out in the future for "Baby, Ink"-- it may be a completely separate online column though, so that I can keep this one for my more esoteric, abstract, subversive ventures. Man, I sound cool. And anyone who reads this should feel cool too-- misunderstood by the world, totally involved in a hidden universe that only a select few are a part of, and just very, very cool. I'm excited.
Love you all and stay tuned! :-)
But I will be back, make no mistake about that. I have an upcoming series in the works, on the way-- going to try to hone my topics a little, instead of being all over the place, and do a four part blog series on being a mom and a writer simultaneously. So keep an eye out in the future for "Baby, Ink"-- it may be a completely separate online column though, so that I can keep this one for my more esoteric, abstract, subversive ventures. Man, I sound cool. And anyone who reads this should feel cool too-- misunderstood by the world, totally involved in a hidden universe that only a select few are a part of, and just very, very cool. I'm excited.
Love you all and stay tuned! :-)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)