Why do fairy tales, particularly Disney stories, have the bad guy be the evil stepmother? Okay so it’s not all of them… but notably, Cinderella’s stepmother and Snow White’s stepmother (the Evil Queen). They are some first class baddies, no denying it. Why do stepmothers get such a bad rap? The way Disney puts it, stepmothers are hell-bent on destroying the hopes and dreams of any children not naturally related to them.
My stepdaughter, Madelyn, doesn’t seem to make the connection or care much. When we read Cinderella we sometimes call the stepmother the “bad lady” and the stepsisters we refer to as the “mean sisters”-- this is more for me than for Maddy, to whom I am her Julie, as if that is my title rather than my name. Maddy and I got acquainted two years ago at our church’s Easter Egg-stravaganza. Justin and I weren’t even dating yet but he brought her to the event and they hit my bounce house station first.
It took Maddy a good thirty seconds to decide I was about her most favorite person in the world, at least for that moment. She was just a little over three, blue eyed and chubby cheeked, and there was nothing cuter than the pair of them, Daddy and his little girl, to melt my heart completely. At the time I was once again a single mom of my own little blue-eyed monster, who hadn’t had the smoothest road when it came to stepparents. My son was a lot older, eight, when he met his now stepdad, but it was clear from the beginning that though he was prepared to love Justin as “the guy married to his mom”, he was not going to be as easy to transition as Maddy.
Life as a stepparent is hard and Justin definitely faced more challenges than I did, despite the lack of Disney step father villains. He and Isaiah are doing really well. Isaiah loves Justin and looks up to him, respects him, but it’s definitely a different dynamic and a tougher road to bond with an eight year old than a three year old. Luckily Isaiah is also at that stage when he’s craving male role models and drawing back a bit from “mommy” so Justin fits the bill in that respect quite nicely. I don’t worry as much about their relationship though-- they’re guys, and it seems like they communicate through sports and video games pretty well.
Throughout the past two years Maddy and I have made great strides. I love her so much and there is no difference in my mind and heart or my treatment of her that indicates we are not as close as if we had been able to be biologically related. Still, the “stepmother” stigma bugs me sometimes. I hate the idea and I worry that someday in the future I will hear those dreaded words-- you’re not my real mommy. Because of course, I’m not, nor do I have any delusions that I will ever be. There is a delicate balance between stepparents and biological ones, and it’s a balance I have no desire to upset. She has a mom, and she has a Julie. I just want there to be room in her heart and her world for me. Hopefully exposure to Disney movies won't be detrimental to that desire.
There is a temptation to be softer on her than I would on my “bio” kids, to court favor and make sure those horrible words never emerge from her cute little mouth. But to do that would be a reverse favoritism that would only damage, and I know that as well as the next person. There are words that “bio” kids are capable of spouting that are just as hurtful -- “I wish you weren’t my mom,” or “I hate you”-- that’s a great one-- or one of my personal favorites, which I just heard from my son last week-- “I’d rather go live in an orphanage.” That was classic and I can only imagine he got the term from a book-- kid reads a lot. I don’t even think there are such facilities anymore, at least not in the U.S. We have something that can be much worse called foster care-- I shudder to think of my sensitive, precocious boy in a foster care scenario. He didn’t realize what he was saying, obviously-- but words like that are only meant to hurt.
They do. Someday Maddy will figure it out too-- whether she draws parallels from the evil characters in her beloved fairy tales or just one day figures out that she can hurt me if she chooses. These days, at five and a half, she mostly goes the other direction-- wanting all my attention, wanting to do things with me as much as Daddy-- it’s a girl thing-- and accepting me as a parent figure without question. It may continue like that forever-- after all, she really doesn‘t remember life before I was in the picture.
I’m hopeful that we will always have a good relationship. She doesn’t love being told to make her bed and the occasional time outs I dish out when behavior warrants, but she’s not eating poisoned apples, being locked in towers or being forced into slave labor while the prince wonders where she is. Although when it comes to princes hanging around, that’s a whole other worry. One I hope we won’t have to face for years to come.
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