Defeating myself (not self-defeat)

Last night I dreamed a person I don’t get along with very well had died in a car accident. No, it’s not you, stop being neurotic. However, I think we all have people in our lives that, while we don’t hate them, are definitely the proverbial thorn in our sides.

I always thought if something bad happened to this person-- we’ll call him Sid-- that I’d be happy. A world without Sid seemed like a very nice place to be. In my dream, I wasn’t involved or responsible for Sid’s death, but when it happened, it affected me. Deeply. I found myself comforting Sid’s little son, having to be the one to explain to him that his dad wasn’t ever coming back.

In the dream, I had to take responsibility for this child, and every day he would ask when he could see his dad. I always had to tell him never, and see the tears streak down his little sad face. I found myself eulogizing Sid, and in my eulogy I though of all the things Sid is to other people and how his existence in the world is actually valuable. I found myself feeling sad and wishing fervently that Sid was all right, that he wasn't dead. I awoke with a start and tears on my cheeks.

Everyone is something to somebody, right? Even if they’re a Sid to you, do horrible and annoying things, and make your life hell sometimes, they’re something else to somebody else. I guess I forget that sometimes, when I’m so focused on disliking Sid.

I realized-- all the energy and time I spend disliking him are completely wasted. What does Sid care that I sit home and wonder if he’s cooking up something to make me miserable? Does he even know? If he does, he gives no indication. Sid doesn’t care what I do. I care what Sid is doing, which is why he’s such a problem for me.

I spend much more time than is healthy wondering about what he’s thinking and doing, even having imaginary conversations with him, where I of course always come out on top and get him to realize the error of his ways, see where he’s wrong, apologize and accept my point of view as his own.

These conversations are totally useless because even true friends and loved ones don‘t behave that way-- they may see my point of view or apologize when they‘ve done something horrible, but I never get all that open-minded enlightenment and conversion to my way of thinking. It just doesn’t happen for any of us. Life is a constant struggle to understand and be understood, and rarely do those two walk through the door holding hands. Most of us are far more interested in being understood than in understanding.

Which is what my dream made me realize about Sid. He’s just a person, with his own life and his own little worries and issues, whose occasional interaction with me is minimal but doesn’t occupy his time. He probably isn’t off cooking up ways to torment me. Most likely, when things occur, it’s as much of an annoyance to him as it is to me.

We’re often at cross-purposes and unable to see each other’s point of view, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that his point of view isn’t as valid as mine. It’s just much more annoying to me because it’s not mine and I’m not eager to make things work out nicely for him, if they’re not working out for me.

I really do want to be a better person. If I can’t completely like Sid, I want to have a positive relationship with him. I want to let go of my obsessions, to stop caring about the things he does that don’t matter and don’t affect me. I especially want to let go of the awful things he's done in the past. I want to stop obsessing over those wrongs, which I can do nothing about and which have already been dealt with.

I’m doing something new now--focusing positively on people who I dislike in order to improve my own mental outlook. I want to conquer the past demons learn to get along with those that drag me down in life and who I can’t avoid dealing with.

I don’t want to have enemies in my life. It’s not worth it. I can’t change their behavior but I can make myself happier by not letting my focus on them disturb my own inner peace. Yes, I realize I just said inner peace. Deal with it.

This is me, letting go of the resentment and hurt they’ve caused and just dealing with the present. I am a person for whom the past is important-- I have issues letting things go. There, I said it. I need to stop. The white-knuckle grip I have on old issues is tiring.

I’m done caring about all those little hurts. I'm over obsessing about those wrongs and wondering what Sid is up to and how he's going to be an issue, especially when he's not being an issue except in my own mind. I’m ready for the here and now, where I can just…be. Cheesily living and letting live. It's not happening instantly, much to my chagrin, but every day I make progress. It feels good.